Is anyone else having a hard time believing that 2019 starts tomorrow? On one hand, I feel like I just celebrated the 2018 New Year, yet on the other, 2017 and the start of 2018 honestly seems like it was ages ago! Usually I am excited about ringing in a new year. It means more opportunities, advancements, adventures and growing older (if you haven’t learned this about me yet, I always want to be older than I am… I wonder at what age these feelings will change!) However, this year I am a bit nervous and scared to see what the new year brings. For the first time, I am not looking forward to the clock striking 12AM on January 1, 2019 because it means a new year without my mom. A full 365 days without her supporting me, pushing me, loving me, believing in me.
Before anyone messages me, I do realize that my fear is irrational. I can’t be afraid of a new year. And I have to know by now that my mom is with me in spirit every day. She sends me so many signs that I know she’s by my side every step of the way. But a new year means more firsts without her, and that’s my fear. It means more moments I can’t share with her, more envy I feel towards friends and complete strangers who get to build relationships with their moms, and more moments of feeling lost and alone. Each day I am learning the intricacies of grief and how to move forward each day.
The best way I move forward and push myself is through goals.